FAQ series: What are some ways my partner can feel involved and bond with our baby?

The mother-baby relationship can be one of intense closeness from the start, and some expectant parents worry that without the experiences of pregnancy, childbirth, and/or breastfeeding, their partner will feel excluded or unable to develop their own relationship with the baby. While all of these things can happen, there are plenty of ways that a partner can be involved that you can find with just a little bit of creativity and effort. Here are some of my favorite ideas to get you started.

1. Be present. It’s less about what you do and more about how you are around your family. Pay attention to the needs that arise and try to meet them without being asked. Is your partner sitting down to breastfeed again? Bring them a glass of water and a snack, sit next to them, and keep them company. All those hours with baby can get really lonely. 
2. Take care of your baby. Even if your baby is exclusively breastfeeding, there are plenty of other things you can do. Soothing, burping, diaper changing, and bathing can feel both intimidating and insignificant. But the reality is, by taking care of your baby in these small, repetitive ways, you are building a foundation of trust and communication for your relationship with your child for the rest of your lives. It’s normal to feel awkward and clumsy when you are learning these skills, but over time you will develop your own ways of doing things and your child will know that you are a person that values them and cares for their needs. 
3. Hold your baby close. Physical contact with your baby boosts your bonding hormones and can also help a newborn regulate their heart rate, breathing, and body temperature. Spending time skin-to-skin, with baby in just a diaper resting against your bare chest, is the most effective way to get these benefits, and it feels really good too. In addition, finding a baby carrier that you like and getting comfortable with using it is another great way to spend time snuggling with your kiddo and including them in your daily life while having your hands free to do other things.
4. Support your partner’s choices and needs. Each person has different hopes and dreams going into parenthood, and the expectations rarely match the reality. Sometimes the need is for encouragement to continue a chosen path despite the challenges, and sometimes it is for “permission” to change your mind, let something go, and maybe grieve the loss of a dream. Offering to give baby a bottle so that mom can rest can feel like a relief to one parent, and a betrayal to another. Both are valid. It is up to you to help them feel like the choice they are making is the right one, they are doing what is best for them even when it’s hard, and to advocate for them with medical professionals and extended family alike. 
5. Balance your breaks. (Credit for this concept goes to the wonderful KC Davis, author of the book How to Keep House While Drowning.) It can be easy to get caught up in the “who does more” discussion. If you are working at a job all day and your partner is caring for the baby, who deserves to relax in the evening or sleep at night? There is no satisfactory answer to this question based on income, hours worked, amount of effort required, etc. Another way to think about it is to seek to divide the “time off” evenly, instead of the responsibilities. Regardless of the type of work each parent is doing, one could sleep in on Saturdays and one on Sundays, for example. Or you could each have one evening or day a month to go out with friends. If one partner has a daily exercise routine, the other partner gets a similar amount of time to read or craft or pursue whatever their own interest is. Dividing the responsibilities equally can be impossible, but dividing the free time doesn’t have to be. And when you both get rest, you are able to be better parents. 

If you are overwhelmed and unsure about what life will be like with your new baby, you are in the right place! This is one of many topics I am available to discuss during a virtual, private Ask Me Anything session for expectant parents. Let’s sit down and make a plan together, that incorporates your specific situation, needs, and preferences! Book your session before the end of June 2024 for a special discount of 40% off using coupon code HB2ME.