The photo I chose for this post is of me on the day I left the hospital with my oldest child. Today, he’s almost six feet tall and a few months away from being old enough to drive, but we won’t talk about that now. Looking at this photo, I see two babies. My son was just born, but I was also just starting out on my journey as a mother, with no idea how much I didn’t know. We had so many very sweet moments together, but I also had a really hard time over the next few months. I can now see how much anxiety influenced my experience, but at the time I was just feeling the emotions as they came, and there was a lot more frustration, grief, anger, and exhaustion than I had ever imagined. If you are currently a new or expectant parent, I’m not saying this to scare you, but to reassure you that it’s not just you and you will get through it. I hope that you can benefit from my perspective and find the support that we all need in this intense time of life.
This is what postpartum anxiety looked like for me:
I felt unable to “switch off” and relax even when someone I trusted was caring for my baby.
Simply going to the bathroom was so hard because I felt guilty if he started fussing and I couldn’t immediately pick him up and soothe him.
I would only shower when my husband was home to watch my son, and even so I was rushed and unable to relax because I imagined I could hear the baby crying the whole time. He was always fine.
I would lie awake at night listening to him stir and waiting for him to wake up. Every night felt long and miserable, but it felt easier to just stay awake all night than to have to wake up from a brief sleep.
I didn’t know that breastfeeding would make me sleepy, and every time I would get so angry that I wasn’t ever able to sleep when I wanted to.
I felt like I couldn’t let him ever cry, which meant I had to be constantly holding him, and often walking back and forth for hours, to soothe him.
I was worried he was feeding too often and kept a list of all the times he nursed, covering several pages of a notebook.
I spent a lot of time alone with my baby, without much to think about except every little thing he did, and everything that I wanted to do but couldn’t. I overanalyzed every little thing and spiraled into feeling like this was my life now and things would never change.
Obviously, I was wrong. Things have changed quite a bit in the past 16 years. But I can’t help but wonder how things would have been different if I was better prepared and had the support I didn’t know I needed. That’s why my mission now is to support as many new moms as I can. Follow me on Facebook to see my current offerings and be sure to sign up for my newsletter so you don’t miss anything new!