Becoming a mom is one of the most exciting, yet overwhelming experiences you can have. Suddenly, you’re swimming in advice from every direction—whether it’s well-meaning friends and family or the endless stream of tips and tricks you find online. With all this information, it’s easy to start feeling like you have to get everything just right.
Perfectionism is something many of us struggle with from a young age, that drive to avoid the pain of criticism by never messing up. But trying to live up to impossible standards ends up leaving you drained and doubting yourself, which can damage your most important relationships and steal the joy that comes from getting to know your new baby.
Here are some signs that perfectionism might be starting to take over in your parenting journey:
Constantly Looking Things Up Online
In today’s digital age, it’s easy to turn to the internet for answers to every little question or concern. However, when you find yourself constantly searching for the “right” way to do things, it can become a source of stress rather than relief. If you find yourself going down rabbit holes that make you feel even more confused and anxious, it’s time to turn it off.
Tip: Trust your instincts. While it’s important to be informed, remember that every baby is different, and what works for one family might not work for another. Limit your online searches and instead focus on observing and understanding your baby’s unique needs. Reach out to a trusted family member, friend, or professional who will support you in making the decisions that are right for your family.
Insisting on Doing Everything Yourself
Motherhood often comes with a strong desire to be everything for your baby. But insisting on doing everything yourself—from diaper changes to feeding to cleaning—can quickly lead to burnout. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to ask for help and delegate tasks. Allowing others to help doesn’t make you any less of a mom; it just means you’re wise enough to recognize your limits.
Tip: Beware of gatekeeping- the feeling that no one else can care for your baby as well as you can. It can take time for your partner or another trusted caregiver to build their own relationship with the baby, and it’s ok if they don’t do everything exactly the same way as you do. Try to avoid jumping in at the first sign of stress and give them a chance to figure it out together.
Strict Rules and Schedules
Having a routine can be incredibly helpful, especially when caring for a newborn. However, when you stick to strict rules and schedules, you may find yourself stressing over the slightest deviation. Babies are unpredictable, and sometimes flexibility is key to maintaining your sanity. One bad day doesn’t mean everything is ruined, and over time you will learn what aspects of your routine are the most helpful and what can be changed more easily.
Tip: Be adaptable. While routines are beneficial, be open to adjustments as needed. Flexibility will not only reduce your stress but also help you respond better to your baby’s ever-changing needs. Remember that, as tough as it gets, those challenges won’t last forever.
Can’t Take a Break
If you’re constantly on the go and feel guilty for even thinking about taking a break, you’re not alone. Many new moms struggle with the idea of taking time for themselves, fearing they’ll miss something or be seen as neglectful. The idea that a good mom finds fulfillment in a life that only revolves around her children is as unrealistic as it is pervasive. We can change that story for our own kids if they grow up seeing us taking care of ourselves on a regular basis.
Tip: Find ways to work self-care into your daily routine. Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary. Even a short break can recharge your energy and make you a better parent. This includes giving yourself a break mentally by becoming more compassionate and encouraging in the ways you talk to yourself. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Always Hard on Yourself
Perfectionists are often their own worst critics, constantly feeling like they’re not doing enough or doing things wrong. This self-imposed pressure can take a toll on your mental and emotional health, leading to feelings of inadequacy and despair, and having a baby can make it feel like the stakes are raised even higher.
Tip: Practice self-compassion. Remember that what your baby really wants is you, not an idealized image of what you think a parent should be. You are their whole world. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s enough. Celebrate your small victories and be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. Motherhood is a journey, not a test you have to ace. It’s all about learning and growing along the way.
Motherhood is a beautiful, challenging, and unpredictable journey. While it’s natural to want to do your best, it’s crucial to recognize when perfectionism is taking over and causing more harm than good. By acknowledging these signs and taking steps to ease the pressure on yourself, you can create a more balanced, joyful experience for both you and your baby.
You are enough, just as you are. Embrace the imperfections, and remember that the best mom for your baby is a happy, healthy one.
Looking for a community of moms building sustainable self-care in real life? Check out the Untangling Motherhood virtual small groups.