You’ve probably heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.”
It’s a lovely idea. Comforting, even. But for many moms, the unspoken follow-up is, “…so where’s mine?”
For all the talk we hear about the importance of support for new parents, it’s rare to find someone who feels like they truly have what they need. That gap between the ideal and reality isn’t just frustrating, it’s exhausting. And it’s no wonder so many mothers feel isolated in the very season of life when connection matters most.
Clearly, there’s a disconnect here.
The truth is, building a “mom village” isn’t as simple as just showing up at a playgroup or joining a Facebook group. The barriers are complex, deeply rooted in our culture, and often invisible until you’re right in the middle of them.
Here are a few of the biggest ones I see again and again:
1. The support you need isn’t always there.
In many communities, there simply aren’t enough accessible support groups, affordable childcare options, or local networks to plug into. The days of extended family living nearby- or even neighbors casually dropping by- are long gone for many of us. Even when the desire for connection is there, the infrastructure often isn’t.
2. When it is there, it can be hard to find.
Many new parents don’t realize how much support they’ll need until they’re already overwhelmed and exhausted. Without a clear place to turn to, it’s hard to know where to even start. All to often, a quick internet search or a call to the OB don’t turn up anything helpful. And because we rarely talk about the importance of parenting in community, it might not even occur to them to go looking in the first place.
3. Fear of judgment keeps us away.
Even when a local mom’s group is available and you manage to find it, you may not feel safe showing up. Many new moms worry that their parenting choices might not align with the majority of the group, or they will feel like the only one who is struggling. You don’t always know what you are walking into, and that fear can feel extra powerful when you are feeling desperate and vulnerable. It’s hard to reach out when you’re bracing for criticism instead of kindness.
4. The performance of “perfect motherhood” is exhausting.
We live in a culture that tells mothers they should be able to handle it all without help, without rest, and without showing effort. Admitting you need support can feel like admitting you’re failing, even though the opposite is true. The pressure to look like you’ve got it together can be a huge barrier to letting others in, especially when everyone around you seems to be living up to these impossible standards. No one wants to be the first to admit that there might be something wrong.
5. You have no time or energy left to build it.
The early years of motherhood demand nearly everything you have—physically, emotionally, mentally. When you’re running on fumes, investing in relationships (which take time, patience, and emotional availability) feels nearly impossible, even if you know you need it. We may avoid certain people because we feel guilty for not doing more, or because they drain too much of our limited energy. Or we just get stuck in survival mode and can’t think beyond the needs of the moment. In those times, community only happens if someone else takes the initiative.
6. Nobody is talking about this.
Perhaps the most isolating factor is how little these struggles are acknowledged. Without honest conversations about the needs and challenges of matrescence, each mother is left thinking, “It must just be me.” That silence keeps us stuck, reluctant to be vulnerable, hesitant to reach out. Everyone else seems to be doing just fine, so we want them to think we are too. Meanwhile, we all struggle alone, unaware that our neighbor is going through the exact same thing.
So… what do we do about it?
The lack of community support is not your fault. The problem isn’t that we need to try harder, do better, work more. It’s that we’ve built a version of motherhood that leaves no room for the village we all need. None of us caused this mess, but we can all do something to help.
We can start to change things by:
- Talking openly about the realities of support (and the lack of it)
- Normalizing asking for and accepting help
- Advocating for better resources in our communities
- Extending the first invitation, even if it feels scary
It’s not quick work, and it’s not something one mom can solve alone. But every time we choose honesty over performance, vulnerability over perfection, and connection over isolation, we’re taking a step toward rebuilding the villages we all deserve.
If you’ve struggled to find your own “village,” you’re not alone and talking about it is how we start to change it.
I want to hear your story- what’s been your biggest challenge in building your mom community?
And if you’re ready to join the conversation and looking for practical ideas for finding (or growing) your village, sign up for my emails, follow me on Instagram or Facebook, and discover my virtual small group program Untangling Motherhood.