Becoming a Mother, Again and Again
Motherhood changes you, and not just once.
When we talk about the transition to motherhood, it’s often treated as a single moment: the day your baby is born. But in reality, matrescence– the process of becoming a mother- isn’t linear, and it doesn’t end.
As my kids get older (hello, senior year of high school), I find myself looping back to the same themes of growth, connection, identity, and letting go- each time with a bit more depth and compassion, shaped by the layers of experience I’ve lived through.
Matrescence isn’t a straight line. It’s more like a spiral: every stage brings new joys and challenges, and each time you circle back, you carry more wisdom with you.
Pre-Motherhood
This stage may begin with a positive pregnancy test, or it may have started long before, or not involve pregnancy at all.
Whether your path to parenthood was unexpected or long-awaited, easy or effortful, joyful or anxious, becoming a mother brings past experiences to the surface as you begin reflecting on your new identity:
What kind of mother will I be? How will my life be different in the future?
Mothering a Newborn
Childbirth is an intense and life-altering experience. But the end of your pregnancy is just the beginning, and the intensity doesn’t let up.
You’re navigating physical recovery, massive hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and the pressure to do everything “right”, all while trying to keep this tiny, alien being alive and healthy. And that’s all if everything goes smoothly- often there are additional layers to navigate based on your own experiences.
It’s common to wonder:
Who am I when I don’t feel like myself? Do I have what it takes to get through this?
Mothering an Older Baby or Toddler
Just as things seem to be settling into some kind of normal, everything shifts again.
You start to integrate the fact of motherhood into other parts of your life- your partnership, your career, your friendships, your sense of self. As you come out of survival mode, the tension between your old self and your new life can become more visible, and the uncertainty, guilt, and pressure to be perfect can feel overwhelming.
You might be weighing big decisions about your family and career and asking:
Should I be trying to get my “old self” back? How are my values and priorities changing now that I’m a mother?
Preschool/School-Age Motherhood
As your children grow, you may feel joy watching them flourish, relief at having a bit more freedom, and sadness as they start to separate from you, often all at once.
You might find yourself with a little bit of free time and feel at a loss for what to do with it. You may miss the structure and connections of life with your baby, or feel torn when other responsibilities pull you away. As the intensity of parenting babies and toddlers fades, questions about your identity often resurface:
Who even am I when I’m not taking care of my child? What do I want for myself now?
Later Motherhood
Matrescence doesn’t end when your kids become teenagers, or even adults.
Each new stage brings shifting roles and relationships. Conflicts may arise as your children grow deeper into their own identities, but this also brings opportunity for deeper relationships. The pressures of comparison and expectations may still whisper, or they may finally start to quiet down. You spend less time doing hands-on parenting, and you may rediscover a long-neglected passion, try something new, or feel adrift for a while.
You might find yourself wondering:
What do I hold on to, and what is it time to let go of? Where do I want to go from here?
You’re Not Broken. You’re Becoming.
Matrescence is the lifelong process of growing into motherhood, and growing as a person because of it.
It reminds us that becoming a mother isn’t a single moment- it’s a journey that keeps reshaping us. Each stage brings new questions, new challenges, and new pieces of ourselves to discover.
And while this journey is deeply personal, it was never meant to be walked alone.
If you’ve been longing for space to pause and reflect, to untangle the expectations, reconnect with your own voice, and rediscover the parts of yourself that got buried under the noise, I’d love to invite you to join my Untangling Motherhood small group experience.
It’s a six-week journey through the heart of matrescence: making sense of the identity shifts, letting go of impossible expectations, and finding your way back to yourself, surrounded by other moms who truly understand.
This group is open to moms of all ages, as every stage on the spiral brings new layers of strength, insight, and self-discovery to the questions we keep coming back to.
You don’t have to go back to an older version of yourself.
You get to keep becoming more you.
Join the mailing list to learn more and be the first to know when doors open again.
To anyone who has ever felt alone or disoriented by the changes of motherhood:
you are welcome here.