Five Things I Wish I Knew
It’s ok for my baby to need me. A lot.
A newborn’s natural habitat is their mother’s body. Wanting to be held most of the
time is normal and beneficial for their development. It’s a big, scary world out there and being held is all they’ve ever known. It makes sense that they would continue to need that comfort. It’s intense, for sure, but it didn’t necessarily mean there was something wrong with him (or me). I was so tuned in to every little detail of how he was, with no experience to tell me what was really worth worrying about. I had no idea how much I needed a reassuring voice to tell me that everything was ok, and I was doing a good job.
The baby isn’t the only one who needs to be taken care of.
I thought I would be fine because I had experience with babies, and it didn’t occur to me that becoming a mom involves more than the responsibilities of childcare. Not to mention that fact that I had really not spent as much time around brand new babies as I thought. I was way more concerned about the intensity of labor and birth, and didn’t give much though to the intensity of life afterward, with my baby. It’s biologically normal to be surrounded by support, and normal to struggle in the absence of that. Not feeling able to handle it all was not a reflection on my worth as a mother or a person. I deserved everything I was able to do to take care of myself, and it was not my responsibility to make sure everything was perfect for everyone else all the time.
I don’t need to do all the things.
My perspective on productivity changed as I gradually learned to tune out outside opinions and focus on what my family and I actually needed in order to be happy and healthy. I could take breaks from baby care to nurture myself and other important relationships in my life. I could breastfeed for as long as I wanted. I could attend to my crying baby without being so concerned about the judgement of strangers. I could rest when I needed to, even if there were chores to be done. The world didn’t end, and I was a better mom when I felt happier and healthier.
It’s hard, but it doesn’t have to be this hard.
I had no idea how common postpartum mood disorders were or even what they looked like. It didn’t occur to me that my inability to “switch off” my brain and rest when my baby was peacefully sleeping or cared for by another was not normal or could be helped. I didn’t have the perspective to recognize my anxiety until years later, and the people around me didn’t know what to look for either. Just being more aware of my thought processes and able to articulate them would have made a huge difference.
Motherhood was going to change me.
And it went way beyond the obvious physical and lifestyle changes. Becoming a mom is transformational on a deep, core level. In fact, scientists have coined the term “matrescence” to describe this process. Just as adolescence is a prolonged, messy, amazing, and tough journey from childhood to adulthood, matrescence doesn’t happen easily or all at once. In one sense, I’m still me, but in another sense, I’m a completely different version of myself, and there’s no going back. The birth of my baby was just the beginning.
Becoming a mother is a complicated and complex experience, once that I’m still contemplating more than 15 years after starting the process myself. The lesson I keep coming back to over and over is the need for kindness, gentleness, and grace in all my ups and downs. If you’re interested in exploring more about the “why” behind our experiences and the “how” of extending compassion to ourselves, consider joining me in a unique, four week small group experience, Untangling Motherhood.