Self-care doesn’t work. Here’s why.

As a young mom to three young kids, there were plenty of times I would get overwhelmed by the chaos and the mess in our home and how much work it took just to keep us functioning at a basic level. When I would express to my husband about how I was feeling, he would try to help by suggesting that I “take a break”. He was also contributing to the household in many ways, but when his responsibilities weren’t urgent, he felt free to relax as needed. He didn’t understand the feeling that if I didn’t do the thing now, it would just mean more work for me later, which made it very hard for me to find the idea of taking a break helpful. Since the hardest part wasn’t actually doing the things, but thinking about everything that needed to be done, choosing not to do it actually added to the stress I was experiencing.

While well-intentioned, I think most moms can relate to the frustration of being told to “just (fill in the blank)” when we open up about our struggles. We already know that taking care of ourselves is important, and if it were as easy as that, don’t you think we would have done it already? But the truth is, these complex questions don’t have simple answers.

The concept of self-care has been hijacked by a society that demands everything from mothers, while simultaneously trivializing our work, and then profits off of selling us superficial solutions to the problems it created.

Self-care doesn’t work when it becomes just another task on a never ending to-do list. Whether we are just checking off a box because we feel like we should, or we are feeling guilty for not doing enough for ourselves, we are unable to connect with what we really need. Sometimes self-care does mean choosing to take care of our basic needs even when it feels like a chore, but you can also choose gratitude for even the smallest ways you are taking care of yourself, instead of turning it into another weapon to beat yourself up with.

Self-care doesn’t work when it requires big, expensive gestures. You may dream of luxury vacations, expensive jewelry, a personal chef, or whatever else seems out of reach of your current situation. Those things are all wonderful if you want them and can afford them, but if that is how you define self-care, you are going to miss the everyday opportunities to reconnect with yourself. Having dreams and goals can be healthy and inspiring, but don’t fall into the “I won’t be happy until…” trap.

Self-care doesn’t work when it relies on appearances or comparisons. One woman’s self-care is another woman’s nightmare. You may find peace by coming to terms with your messy house and letting go of the expectation to have everything just so in order to focus on something else that is more important to you. Or, you may enjoy the satisfaction of decluttering and creating an orderly, peaceful space. Or maybe you bounce back and forth between the two, constantly seeking balance. The thing is, what you do doesn’t really matter. What matters is how you feel about it and what helps you feel the most yourself. 

Self-care doesn’t work when it ignores the underlying issues. The challenges we face are widespread and complex, and band-aid answers aren’t going to work. When entire industries are built on gadgets or programs that offer a quick fix, that should be a sign that something deeper is going on. When self-care starts from a foundation of honoring ourselves as unique human beings and not simply our roles as “mom”, “wife”, “employee” etc, we can start to see the way the larger issues, both personal and cultural, are affecting our experience. Everything from personal growth to family structure to working for change in society may be a part of our self-care journey at some point in time, as we become more aware of our passions and values.

Self-care doesn’t work when it becomes an all or nothing ideal. It must acknowledge the reality of your circumstances and resources, while also honoring your needs and desires. This can mean making ourselves at home in a state of uncomfortable tension. It can mean accepting that some of our needs aren’t getting met, and perhaps won’t be met for the foreseeable future, but it is not wrong to have them nonetheless. It can mean doing what we need to to get through the day and feeling grateful we did, even when it didn’t look the way we imagined. And it means giving ourselves grace and appreciating the strength, courage, love, perseverance, wisdom, and truth that we each possess.

These are the lessons I needed to learn as a young mom. I needed to know that how things are now is not how they will always be, and I needed to know that I was doing my best, even when it didn’t feel like it. I hope you know these things too. You are worth taking care of, however that looks for you!

To explore more about what sustainable self-care looks like for you, check out my other blog posts, or consider joining an upcoming session of Untangling Motherhood for the full community experience.