In last week’s post, I talked about the unhelpful ways our culture defines and encourages self-care. This leads to the question, what can we do instead? How can we care for ourselves in the ways that meet our needs while we are already struggling to keep up with everyone else’s?
While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, I believe that one piece of the puzzle is something I like to call sustainable self-care. Self-care is sustainable when it replenishes our resources (of time, energy, or finances) rather than draining them. For example, carrying around a burden of unrealistic expectations takes a lot of emotional energy as we are constantly dealing with frustration, disappointment, or other heavy feelings. Examining and shifting those expectations takes some time and effort, but pays off when we are no longer having to manage our emotions around them, increasing our ability to focus our attention on things that bring us joy.
Self-care feels less urgent than most of the demands clamoring for our attention, so it is easy to let it slide when we get overwhelmed. But these practices are exactly what can help us show up as the person we want to be, even in the most stressful moments of motherhood. Here are some ideas for sustainable self-care “baby steps” you can take even when you are in the thick of motherhood.
- Hydrate or have something to eat.
Sometimes just giving your body the fuel that it needs can make a huge difference. If you can choose something nutritious, great! But whatever is available to you and you enjoy is going to boost your energy to tackle your day. Whether it’s a balanced meal or a granola bar on the go, you deserve to eat.
- Take micro breaks to build awareness.
Start by setting a timer for 30 seconds and take that time to stare out the window or close your eyes and breathe deeply. Check in with how you’re feeling, both physically and emotionally. Ask yourself what you need in the moment. You can increase the time if it feels right to you, but the point is to take a brief pause from the rush of activities to just notice how you are doing. This quick reset is a simple but powerful form of self-care.
- Reframe everyday tasks.
The activities you are already doing every day are opportunities to bring self-care into your existing routines without having to add anything else to your to-do list. You can choose a mundane task, like washing dishes or folding laundry, to practice mindfulness, focusing on the sensations and really thinking about what you are doing, rather than trying to rush through it. You might appreciate the softness of the fabric, or practice gratitude for the food you ate. Even changing a diaper can become a moment for connection when you choose to be completely present with your baby, making eye contact, talking, singing, or playing little games.
- Set boundaries to avoid mental overload.
Self-care can be about what you don’t do just as much as what you do. Saying “no” to things can be hard for us, but it is essential to make room for us to be the people who can say “yes” wholeheartedly to the things we really want. There is always a trade-off. When you say “yes” to something, you are saying “no” to something else, and vice versa. Practice self-care by picking one thing you can say “no” to- whether it’s an extra obligation or a mental expectation of perfection- and giving yourself a little bit of breathing room.
- Be your own best friend.
Ever notice how you talk to yourself in a way you would never talk to your sister or best friend? Counteract the judgemental self-talk by building a habit of self-compassion. Every night, take a moment to note down something you’re proud of, one way you took care of yourself, or another small win from the day. This helps shift the focus from what is left undone to what you’re already doing.
- Find connection as self-care.
Feeling isolated is a major challenge for many of us during the years of intensive mothering. Self-care can be reconnecting with a friend, attending a mom’s group, or even spending quality time with your kids doing something that brings you both joy. Whether it’s an old friend you lost touch with or a local mom who recently crossed your path, taking a few minutes to reach out and build a connection can help to nourish your soul and shift your energy in a big way.
As you start taking steps to building your own sustainable self-care practices, it’s important to remember that our needs, and our available resources, are constantly shifting. Some movement might be just what you need to feel better in your body, or you may need to skip your daily workout in order to rest. You might try something and find it really didn’t help in the way you thought it would. That’s ok. Self-care is about presence, not perfection. If you are having a tough time, acknowledge it, know that it will pass, and get curious about what you can learn about yourself and the situation that might prove useful in the future. The journey of sustainable self-care is one where we are moving away from what we think (or what other people are telling us) we “should” do and towards consistently choosing what brings us real joy.