Picture this: you’re in the grocery store, trying to keep it together as your toddler melts down in aisle three. Just as you’re feeling your patience wear thin, a well-meaning passerby smiles and says, ‘Enjoy every moment—they grow up so fast!’ It’s well-intentioned, but at that moment, it feels more like a reminder of everything you’re not feeling—calm, grateful, in control.
To be honest, now that I have two teenagers myself, I am beginning to empathize with the feeling of missing the sweet moments of those early years. But no matter how well-intentioned, I can also still feel to my core how unhelpful that advice can be when you are overwhelmed and exhausted from the constant demands on your time, energy, and attention. It’s hard enough to handle a child screaming uncontrollably in the grocery store without also being told that you will miss this one day.
So why can this common piece of advice feel so infuriating to receive? When we are struggling to accomplish an impossible task, with inadequate resources, the pressure to not only manage everything effortlessly but to enjoy it can add insult to injury. We know we’re lucky to have our kids, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dislike certain moments—or even whole days. This shit is hard, and trying to gloss that over doesn’t actually help anyone.
Introducing “Gratitude Guilt”
As moms, we feel pressured to be on top of it all, always patient, serene, and productive, while effortlessly managing every else’s lives. These demands cause us to doubt ourselves when we can’t live up to them, and feel unseen even when we do manage to get close. It’s normal to feel both grateful for our kids and overwhelmed by parenthood. We aren’t failures for feeling that way. Sometimes, it’s okay to admit that parenting is just hard. And once we start honestly connecting with other moms, we find that this isn’t an individual issue as we assumed, but in fact we are all somewhere in this experience.
Telling someone to be more grateful without taking the time to really understand where they are coming from doesn’t work, because we don’t notice the good when we are feeling attacked. But acknowledging the hard while also looking for and celebrating the good can be a game changer. Real gratitude isn’t about performing for others; it’s about noticing genuine moments of joy, no matter how small or imperfect. It could be a cup of coffee enjoyed quietly, a flower picked just for you, or even just five minutes of peace. These moments don’t cancel out the hard stuff, but they give us strength. They remind us of the love and joy that coexist with the chaos.
Making gratitude work for you
A good first step is to give yourself permission to not enjoy every moment. It is normal to feel overwhelmed in an overwhelming situation. Practicing gratitude on your own terms can include feeling grateful that everyone made it through the day in one piece. It can mean taking a moment to thank yourself for everything you do to meet your own and other’s needs. It can mean recognizing the small wins (You got everyone out the door with shoes on? Time for a victory dance!) or just acknowledging that you did the best you could today and tomorrow is a new start.
If you’re ready to explore gratitude without the guilt, check out our 30-Day Sustainable Self-Care Challenge this November. Together, we’ll let go of the pressure to be perfect, celebrate each other’s real moments, and learn to see joy in the little things—no matter how messy or imperfect they are.