Why is it that we hear so often about the importance of community, a village, mom friends—and yet so many of us struggle to find this very thing? The need for support and connection with other moms feels universal, but so does the frustration of not knowing how to make it happen. This isn’t just a personal failing or a matter of not trying hard enough. There are deep-rooted historical and cultural factors that have made finding and nurturing community far more difficult than it once was.
The Demands of Modern Motherhood
Today’s version of motherhood places enormous demands on a mother’s time and energy. The expectations feel impossible to keep up with: maintaining a spotless home, preparing healthy home-cooked meals daily, chauffeuring children to endless activities, all while balancing work and personal well-being and being available for any needs that might arise from partners, friends, and extended family. Even reading that list is exhausting.
With mothers stretched so thin, the idea of actively building and maintaining friendships can feel like just one more thing to juggle. And when we constantly feel behind, the things that seem to benefit only ourselves—like investing in community—are often the first to go.
The “Perfect Mom” Myth
It takes courage to step away from this cycle and choose to live differently. From a young age, our society praises girls and women who are quiet, compliant, and helpful. Many of us have internalized the idea that our worth is tied to how well we manage everything. We find identity and validation in being seen as “supermom,” capable of handling it all. But what happens if we admit that we can’t? What if we reject the idea that being a “perfect mom” is even possible?
The pressure to appear as if we have it all together keeps us isolated in at least two ways. First, it leaves us too depleted to invest in friendships. Second, even when we do show up at a mom’s group or a playdate, we often engage in surface-level interactions, afraid to be vulnerable about our struggles. When everyone is projecting an image of competence, it can feel like we’re the only ones who aren’t measuring up. We may even leave such events feeling even more isolated and discouraged. So not only do we have to manage to be in the same place at the same time as other moms, we also have to be willing to risk rejection by opening up about what feels like personal failure. It’s no wonder we have such a hard time finding our village!
The Loss of Built-In Community
For much of history, communal living was a necessity. People relied on extended family and neighbors to share the workload of raising children and running households. It was normal for the women in the group to step in and help with cooking, childcare, etc when one of them had a baby. Industrialization and the rise of the nuclear family changed this dynamic. Now, our survival no longer depends on working together in tight-knit groups, and we are left trying to balance our values of independence and autonomy with our inherent need for connection.
Most of us have never seen what a truly supportive village looks like. We aren’t taught how to build one from scratch. Growing a community takes sustained effort, a willingness to take risks and to keep trying in spite of setbacks. Without clear examples or teachers, it can feel overwhelming, even impossible to figure out the skills or steps we need to take to get started.
Prioritizing Connection in a Busy World
With the loss of community, most of the responsibility for running a household has fallen squarely on the individual woman’s shoulders. These expectations are so widespread that we assume they are normal, and even if we start to question it, others in our lives often don’t understand. We may feel strongly about the importance of community, but it doesn’t feel urgent in the way that feeding our children or finishing work assignments does. The demands of others can be unrelenting, and often we don’t have the option to refuse. If you are struggling to keep your head above water, that’s ok. You don’t have to feel guilty about not having or building a supportive community. It’s not another area you are failing in. You are working so hard and doing the best you can in an impossible situation. We see you, and we are here for you.
For moms who are feeling called to take action, remember that small, consistent steps can have a profound impact. For me, deciding to value community means making a point of offering and accepting opportunities to connect with those around me. I’m inviting neighbors and acquaintances for coffee or walks, reaching out to old friends, and attending local gatherings even when it requires energy I don’t always feel like spending. It often feels easier to just stay home, but I remind myself that these investments matter and how good it feels to make those connections.
Change starts when some of us decide to do things differently. The more we normalize prioritizing friendships, showing up as our real selves, and making space for support by being vulnerable, the easier it becomes for others to do the same. None of us are meant to do this alone, and being a “good mom” isn’t about convincing everyone I have it all under control, it’s about finding the courage to build the life I really want for myself and my family. The village might not be built-in anymore, but that doesn’t mean we can’t build it ourselves, together, step by step.
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